You might be Black if your pants come down past your ass AND you are wearing a belt.
There are many things we are known for, and bad fashion is often one of them. I’m not sure who started it, but someone got the bright idea that wearing pants below your waist was a good idea. Of course, we had to take it one step further and wear them so low that more than just your crack is showing. And to add insult to injury, we were a belt. Of course, the belt is necessary to keep the pants in place somewhere around mid thigh cause heaven forbid the pants actually fit correctly. We even think it’s attractive to have our tighty whiteys showing to the world. You know you’ve seen some Black man walking around with his pants sagging, and had to hold yourself back to keep from jerking them up. What I love best is to watch one of them try to run (normally from the police, but that is for another post) while holding up their pants. I even saw one man whose pants were so low he had to put his wallet in the back pocket on his knees. So, if you or someone you love is walking around with their pants literally on the ground, you just might be Black.
You might be Black if your favorite flavor of KoolAid is red.
Yes, it’s true, we love us some Kool Aid. And no matter which one you like best, you never call it by it’s actual name. That’s right – you all lighter colored people may use such terms as Strawberry, Grape, or Lime, but to us, it’s red, purple, or green. So what if red can be Cherry too…it’s still red to us. We’ll even use it on cereal if there’s no milk. Hey, don’t knock it til you try it! And don’t be skimping on the sugar, or we’ll call you out in a heartbeat. If you don’t make it sweet, don’t even bring it out the kitchen! So, if you find yourself saying get me some of that purple Kool Aid, you just might be Black
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#2 You might be Black if you eat every part of the pig from the roota to the toota
Ok, so we aren’t the only ones who eat pork. I mean, it is the other white meat, right? What makes us different is that we eat EVERY part of the pig, and I mean every part, from the roota to the toota. We even use it to season our greens and save bacon grease in cans on our stoves to use later. Rumor has it this started back in the days of slavery when all we would get from massa was the leftover parts that he was too good to eat. These leftovers included intestines, stomach, cheeks, ears, and any other parts you can think of but wouldn’t think to put in your mouth. I’m sure that’s true, but I have no idea why we continue to do it today, especially on holidays. Hog jowls, chittlins, pigs feet, and souse….yum, yum!!! And if you don’t know what any of those things are, your skin is definitely of the lighter persuasion.
Yes, I know it’s not good for us. Our daily staple is likely to give us high cholestorol, heart attacks, and make us fat. But just try to take away some piggy from one of us, and I guarantee you’ll end up being stabbed by a fork. Whether barbequed, stewed, pickled, or fried, we’ll take a bite out of Porky any day.
#1 You might be Black if you have used spit to keep from being ashy.
Just admit it: We, as Black people, occasionally have dry skin. Yet, unlike our compatriots, when our skin is dry, it doesn’t get a little crackly. No, it changes color. It doesn’t matter what your skin tone, if your Black, you know good and well that at least one time in your life, your knees have turned gray. It’s a fact of life for us. And on at least one of those occations, when you happened to look down and see the abominable grayness known as “ash”, you were nowhere near a bottle of lotion. If you were a young child, some adult probably grabbed you and started yelling “How did you go out the house without putting on some lotion ?” and then commenced to fixing the problem by spitting on their hand and rubbing hard. That’s right, when no one was looking, a little spit was rubbed in, and presto—no more ash. Yes, spit can be used to get rid of the ash, but we only do this when no one is looking. It’s bad enough to be ashy; it’s even worse getting caught rubbing spit on your knee. But hey, we gotta do what we gotta do.
Whether it be a childhood memory, or something you did yesterday before walking into a meeting, you know you’ve done it. It also counts if you’ve done it to ashy elbows or those ashy toes in the summer when wearing sandals is a must. And for the rest of you, now you know why we always have lotion in our purse, car, or office, because who wants to use spit on their knees?